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We live in an age of constant connection with notifications, likes and quick check-ins. But when you scratch the surface, many people admit to feeling lonelier than ever. It’s a paradox of our time: never before have we had more ways to reach each other, yet real intimacy, emotional closeness, vulnerability and trust feels increasingly out of reach.

A growing trend I see among my clients is an emphasis on self-improvement over relationship-improvement. Taking the time to work on yourself is extremely important and many forms of growth require solitude and self-reflection. But self-development can also become a shield, a way to avoid the messy and demanding work of emotional connection.

It can be very difficult to sit down with a friend or partner and say, “I felt hurt when you canceled on me.” It can be so hard to ask, “Are we okay?” Building intimacy, whether in romance or friendship, means showing up for the hard conversations, tolerating moments of disconnection or even boredom and trusting the bond enough to repair it. It also sometimes means that it’s time to intentionally create distance.

The irony is that our well-being depends on those very bonds. Humans are social beings; our nervous systems are wired for co-regulation and mutual support. While independence is a valuable skill, we thrive when we experience mutual care, shared joy, and the safety of being known.

People often think of “working on relationships” as something that belongs to romantic partnerships. But intimacy and attachment patterns show up in all our relationships. Friendships, in particular, are an arena for learning how to navigate closeness: practicing honesty, setting boundaries, addressing conflict, and staying connected through life’s inevitable changes.

Connection doesn’t just happen in high-stakes relationships. Low-stakes encounters, the smile from the person you see in the elevator, a warm chat with the barista, a friendly nod on your walk, matter more than we realize. These brief moments can shift our mood for the day. They’re small opportunities to notice what helps us feel safe, welcome, and part of the world. Over time, they teach us what works and what doesn’t in creating connection, without the vulnerability hangover that deeper relationships sometimes bring.

The shift from “me” to “we” doesn’t require abandoning self-growth. In fact, it deepens it. True self-development isn’t about perfecting the self in isolation, it’s about learning who we are in relation to others, and allowing that connection to provide growth.

If we want less loneliness and more belonging, we can’t just polish the self; we have to risk being seen, with all the awkwardness and uncertainty that entails. The work can be very hard, but the rewards, mutual trust, and feeling at home with another person are immeasurable.

Kim Brenner, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in private practice, a staff therapist at Yale’s Mental Health and Counseling and a Clinical Instructor in the Department of Psychiatry at Yale’s School of Medicine. She specializes in eating disorders, intimacy issues, depression, and anxiety, and blends clinical expertise with a deep commitment to helping people build meaningful connections.